is this real?

we met nearly two years ago.  i remember our first date.  it was the greek place on the corner.  we sat outside so we could people watch.  i loved you already.  or am i making that up?  is this real?  i don’t know.  i’m honestly too scared to find out.  i love you.  i want to love you more than i loved before, but i’m scared that when you leave me i’ll die.  i nearly died the last time.  

when he left me it was a solid eight on a scale of ten.  i don’t know if i could handle that again.  i, mean, i know i can.  i’ve done it before.  but i won’t do it again.  i told you.  i told you a few nights ago, the only man i’ll love again will be my husband.  you said you understood.  i don’t think you do. 

i’ve got a blank space baby, and i’ll write your name.  seriously though.  i saw you standing there and i thought you looked like my next mistake.  so it’s gonna be forever or it’s gonna go down in flames.  got a long list of ex lovers; they’ll tell you i’m insane.  cause we’re young and we’re reckless.  i’ll take this way too far. 

i mean it.  the worst is yet to come.  screaming.  crying.  slamming doors.  i can make all the tables turn.  keep you second guessing like who is he?  cause darling i’m a nightmare dressed like a day dream.  cause you know i love the players and you love the game.

fuck.  what are we supposed to do?  is love to be denied?  

boys only want love if it’s torture.  so it’s gonna be forever or it’s gonna go down in flames.  

i text you.  i call you.  i message you all to make sure this is real.  you’re real.  i keep calling expecting to hear something different in your voice.  a tone that says you’ve realized i’m not what you want. 

and another one bites the dust.  oh why cannot i not conquer love?  and i wanted it i wanted it bad, but there are so many red flags.  let’s be clear i trust no one. 

so here we are.  or not really.  you’re there and i’m here.  2,700 miles between us.

aaron williams