i wrote this for you

i wrote this for you and only you.  you know who you are.  you motherfucker.  you broke my heart.  twice.  the first you thought i’d cheated.  the second you said you didn’t believe how in love with you i was.  and boy was i in love with you.  i was ready to get matching tattoos with you.  for fuck sake.  you left me beaten and broken.  

one time, you sang “elastic heart” for me in front of anyone.  what people don’t know is i was on the stage with you, but only the better part of me.  the other part running down your leg from where i was inside you only moments before.  i loved you.  i loved you so hard.  the thought of you makes me hard again.  no.  you will not see me break down, because i have thick skin and an elastic heart. 

on stage you forgot the words, like you do with most things.  you forget.  it’s your curse, or maybe your gift.  hell if i know.  i wish i could forget you.  maybe you forgot how in love we were.  maybe you forgot the man you fell in love with.  maybe you just forgot who you were along the way.  but thats not on me.  i begged you don’t change for me.  i wanted you to shave sure, once, just so i could see.  

take me to church. i’ll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies and boy did we lie.  you lied.  i lied.  we lied to ourselves, each other.  i’ll tell you my sins so you can sharpen your knife.  i told you everything about myself.  even the dark, dirty and shameful parts.  i don’t know what’s worse, the fact that you didn’t make me feel worse about anything or the fact that you loved me for them.  

let me give you my life.  remember, we’d only just met a few weeks before.  we were standing in the kitchen of dean street and you basically proposed to me.  you said you’d love to spend the rest of your life with me.  i asked, “are you serious?” i warned you that ‘words have meaning and weight’ and not to say things you’re not serious about.  you said it again.  we both started looking around the counters for what could be used as a temporary engagement ring. 

fast forward to months later.  our time together was so vast.  i was so happy thinking i’d have the rest of my life to fall only deeper in love with my best friend.  until one day, we were in bed, after making love, or having sex, or fucking.  i don’t know which one we were doing but it didn’t matter.  still inside each other, you turned and said to me, “it’s a mistake to think you know who i am.”  laughing it off i asked gently what that meant.  you went on to explain that you break people.  you’d be single for so long because you break people.  

no.  you will not see me break down, because i have thick skin and an elastic hearts.  i can also remember all the words to the song motherfucker. 

 

aaron williams